The turtlenecked Paul Giamatti

After I saw Balaban do that thing with the spur-winged goose I puked into my turtleneck. I was totally blown away. It reminded me of that Steve Coogan thing. That was on Sideways. One night Coogan dropped by with a jug of the moonshine and Alex Payne challenged Tom Church to a little drinking contest. Well, you can imagine—after round two Payne fell over onto his back like a dog, with all his limbs straight up in the air. Then Coogan stepped in and went ten rounds with Church. They got totally plastered and went over to Jim Taylor, who was playing poker with the grips, and they just beat the ever-loving daylights out of him. Jim was crying but he looked sort of happy too. I didn’t get it. I puked in my turleneck.

George “Chiffon Dickey” Wendt and the chiffon dickey

You fucking prick, I’m so sick of being asked questions about my taffeta dickeys. I stopped with that shit a long time ago. I haven’t donned a dickey since ‘95. Well, once in ‘97 I wore a chiffon dickey to a chiffon dickey fund raiser, but that hardly counts. Man, was that a wild party. It was at the Drake. Andie MacDowell was there. Pendleton was there—he got so hopped up on the Steve Coogan moonshine that he tried to take his pants off over his head. Later he ran into Chris Noth and proposed to him. Never seen Austin like that. Anyway, we were raising money for kids in Africa who couldn’t afford chiffon dickeys, so it was for a good cause that I once again wore a false shirt-front. You know, it’s bullshit: do you realize that while 46 percent of Africans have access to potable water, zero percent have access to chiffon dickeys? Well, we did something about that.

Oh, also, Pendleton threw up in Bebe Neuwirth’s big hat.

Bug Hall looks out the window, tells his side of the story

There was a fire on the set of Little Rascals, but it wasn’t how Mr. Trump described it. What happened was, Penelope Spheeris, the director, had a crush on George “Dreamboat” Wendt. We all did, to be honest. Every day he wore a red taffeta dickey—and nothing else. When it was time to shoot a scene George would weep in his trailer because he’d have to change into his character’s clothes. He wouldn’t leave his trailer. Eventually Penelope said he could wear his taffeta dickey under his shirt, and that seemed to make him happy.

Anyway, Trump was jealous that Penelope was into Dickey Wendt and not into him. So in order to try and impress her, Trump got all hopped up on the Steve Coogan moonshine and had one of his underlings light a fire next to Penelope’s ponytail. Then he “heroically” appeared with a copy of the Trump board game and put the fire out. No one was impressed. We saw him as a nuisance. One day he even showed up in a chiffon Trump dickey but everyone thought it was so lame and he wasn’t allowed near the craft services table until after the PA’s had eaten. There was nothing left but two packets of relish and a radish rose, and he pretended to enjoy it! He kept saying real loud, “Mmm, now that’s a good radish! I enjoy this radish! Such a tasty radish!” He was so pathetic. A few years later, when he found out I was going to be Eddie Munster in the made-for-TV movie The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas, he sent me steaks around the clock. He wanted me to put in a good word with Norm Liebmann—he wanted to play Grandpa Munster!

What a lout.

The Steve Coogan

I make fantastic fucking moonshine.

John Waters responds to Brad Dourif

That story is nothing but fanciful bullshit. Except for the part about the Steve Coogan moonshine.

Brad Dourif fields a question

Look, folks: I’m not happy about that baby I ate. But I had to. I was too damn hungry and he was too damn honey-slicked. Now I can’t apologize for something I can’t uneat, but let me just—if I may—tell a quick story in my defense. This one time, when we were working on Seed of Chucky, John Waters took a dump in the middle of the room. It was just wild. He said he did it to get us refocused, because Jennifer Tilly was hopped up on the Steve Coogan moonshine and started yelling at Redman because she thought he was Method Man and I guess Method Man once tried to smoke Corky, her cat, or something? So it was just chaos, and the director Don Mancini just could not keep it together. And boom, Waters, the fucking genius, takes a dump to refocus us. Let me tell you, it worked. It was just wild.