Shia LaBeouf doesn’t think it’s weird

My father lives in my garage. It’s not weird. It’s not. From my understanding, plenty of parents live next to their kids’ cars. I don’t mind. Though one time I got sort of pissed at him. My best friend John Mahoney was over. Dad has trouble understanding that when people do something onscreen they aren’t doing it in real life. When I was banging Ali MacGraw—I really like old people—Dad got very confused because he thought she died in Love Story. I had to explain. So when I took John out to the garage to show him my new Alfa Romeo, Dad was in there curing some venison. He hunts with a crossbow. When he saw John he just flipped out. “Get that crook out of here!” You know? “Fraud! Fraud!” He thought John was stealing money from the nursing home because he’d just watched Say Anything. Dad threw a piece of venison at John. John’s glasses got smashed. It was terrifying and now John doesn’t answer my calls. I miss John. There are good days and bad. But I like having Dad in the garage. It’s not weird. It’s not.

Tatum O’Neal will toootally run out and get some

Hooooooly shit where did you get this it’s good stuff huh actually it’s amazing when I was in Paper Moon Randy Quaid was toooootally there the whole time like he was just hanging out and he was doing this stuff and I was like Wow when I grow up I wanna be just like Randy Quaid like what did you say about Love Story did someone just say Love Story my dad loved that movie he was in it and everything so if you want I will totally call my guy okay i’m calling okay he’s not answering he usually comes around in a pizza van with this Gregorian chant music and you drive around the block so okay if he doesn’t call me back in like five minutes I’ll just go down to Clinton and get some I wish the pizza van guy with the Gregorian chant music would answer already it’s been like ten minutes okay three whatever i’ll just go to Clinton and be like Yo homeless guy you got any stuff I was in Basquiat were you in Basquiat did you go Yo duckman can i get two ducks man and he’ll be like Whoa you were in Basquiat you must be doing some research okay fine take this stuff it’s good stuff damn I wish the guy in the pizza van with the Gregorian chant music would just call me baaaaaack fuck it I’m going!