Jared Fogle here, folks. You probably know me as the guy famous for holding up pants. It’s a hard racket, actually—forearms get tired. But there’s one thing that keeps me holding up pants day in day out: wearing my other pants. My khakis, man! Fucking love ‘em! Shit, I get so sexy in my khakis. I throw on my pager (pictured) and the women of GIA (greater Indianapolis area) get soaked. This one time, I went to this real casual Bar Mitzvah, right, and it said “black tie optional.” I was like, “black tie optional? More like khakis MANDATORY!” God, I loved it. I got so sexy in my khakis. Threw on a purple polo, a brown belt, and my beloved khaks. Showed up a little late to the service but the minute I walked into shul Cantor Weintraub stopped the service—stopped right smack in the middle of Ein Keloheinu—and he goes, “Yahweh in heaven! That’s what we talk about when we talk about khakis. Come up to the bimah!”
And that’s why I do it. That’s why I hold up pants all day long.
