George “Chiffon Dickey” Wendt and the chiffon dickey

You fucking prick, I’m so sick of being asked questions about my taffeta dickeys. I stopped with that shit a long time ago. I haven’t donned a dickey since ‘95. Well, once in ‘97 I wore a chiffon dickey to a chiffon dickey fund raiser, but that hardly counts. Man, was that a wild party. It was at the Drake. Andie MacDowell was there. Pendleton was there—he got so hopped up on the Steve Coogan moonshine that he tried to take his pants off over his head. Later he ran into Chris Noth and proposed to him. Never seen Austin like that. Anyway, we were raising money for kids in Africa who couldn’t afford chiffon dickeys, so it was for a good cause that I once again wore a false shirt-front. You know, it’s bullshit: do you realize that while 46 percent of Africans have access to potable water, zero percent have access to chiffon dickeys? Well, we did something about that.

Oh, also, Pendleton threw up in Bebe Neuwirth’s big hat.

Bug Hall looks out the window, tells his side of the story

There was a fire on the set of Little Rascals, but it wasn’t how Mr. Trump described it. What happened was, Penelope Spheeris, the director, had a crush on George “Dreamboat” Wendt. We all did, to be honest. Every day he wore a red taffeta dickey—and nothing else. When it was time to shoot a scene George would weep in his trailer because he’d have to change into his character’s clothes. He wouldn’t leave his trailer. Eventually Penelope said he could wear his taffeta dickey under his shirt, and that seemed to make him happy.

Anyway, Trump was jealous that Penelope was into Dickey Wendt and not into him. So in order to try and impress her, Trump got all hopped up on the Steve Coogan moonshine and had one of his underlings light a fire next to Penelope’s ponytail. Then he “heroically” appeared with a copy of the Trump board game and put the fire out. No one was impressed. We saw him as a nuisance. One day he even showed up in a chiffon Trump dickey but everyone thought it was so lame and he wasn’t allowed near the craft services table until after the PA’s had eaten. There was nothing left but two packets of relish and a radish rose, and he pretended to enjoy it! He kept saying real loud, “Mmm, now that’s a good radish! I enjoy this radish! Such a tasty radish!” He was so pathetic. A few years later, when he found out I was going to be Eddie Munster in the made-for-TV movie The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas, he sent me steaks around the clock. He wanted me to put in a good word with Norm Liebmann—he wanted to play Grandpa Munster!

What a lout.

Why so glum, Donald Trump?

Penelope Spheeris, that bitch—that’s why I’m glum. I was the best fucking part of 1994’s Little Rascals. You ask a hundred people on the street, you couldn’t find person one who remembers that Bug Hall played Alfalfa—but ask them who played Waldo’s father. Trump, goddamnit, that’s what they’ll tell you.

So why is it that Penelope isn’t casting me in Little Rascals 2: All Grow’d Up? How could she forget that on the set of Little Rascals I put out the fire that threatened to consume her dangling blonde ponytail? She didn’t even see the damn fire, she was so busy making eyes at George Wendt, a.k.a Norm from Cheers, a.k.a. Dickey “No Dick” Wendt, a.k.a fine I admit it he’s kind of a dreambarge. Boat? The expression is dreamboat? Thought it was barge. Fuck off, it’s dreambarge now. Point is Penelope’d be dead if it weren’t for me. I walloped out that fucking fire with 1989’s Trump – The Board Game that the grips were playing with. Lost my fucking eyebrows, thank God they’re flesh colored so no one noticed. But whatever, Penelope, 1998’s Senseless sucked—only good part was Brad “Dickie” Dourif.

Send a dozen Trump Steaks to all of Penelope’s enemies. Around the clock.